“My brother is gone. He is not coming back. What’s done is done. But how much more of a waste it would be if two young men’s lives were ruined because of this? What would we learn? Where would the hope and beauty of redemption be?”- a quote from Jillian’s Victim Impact Statement.
One quiet evening at home over 20 years ago my mother, Sandra sat awestruck watching as a tragic story unfolded on the evening news. Katy Hutchison, a young widow from Squamish BC, had met with and forgiven the young man who took her husband’s life. Katy was sharing her story with the world watching from the edge of their seats. She committed herself to ensuring that the rest of her life was invested – not in the manner of her husband’s death and the pain of his murder, but in his life and the healing and wellbeing of everyone impacted by his loss. That newscast was my mother’s first encounter with what our family later came to know as Restorative Justice. Little did we know that over a decade later we would be living out a story very similar to Katy’s.
As I stood over my little brother’s lifeless body in the Intensive Care Unit, I could have sworn that time had frozen for a moment. I lifted my head to see our closest friends and family members all gathered around his hospital bed praying for a miracle. It was devastating at the time but looking back now I think it was beautiful to witness. I knew in that moment that life would never be the same, not even close. Yesterday and every day that came before it would quickly turn into hazy memories. On that one summer evening, the trajectory of my path in life would forever change. Everything I had come to know would now be questioned and tested with a fine-tooth comb; the meaning of life, my purpose, values, and priorities were all now up for an uninvited debate within the confines of my deepest reflections.
It was early August of 2016. My brother Johnny’s life was taken after an altercation with his cellmate in the segregation unit of a Correctional facility. Below is the Victim Impact Statement I read aloud to the offender and the courtroom during his sentencing hearing nearly 2 years after Johnny’s death. I often share with others that this day felt like it was day 1 of my healing journey, not because he was sentenced or that the case was concluded, but because I found a sense of strength and peace in using my voice to unravel every wave of grief I had experienced from his passing. I was finally able to verbalize the knotted mess of emotions and although it was heartbreaking, it felt like a breakthrough.
I spent many evenings after his death online searching for stories shared where real people met face-to-face with the person who ended their loved one’s life. I was determined to believe that something, anything good could come from such a tragedy that my family was experiencing. Knowing from day one that I wanted to meet the person who took my brother’s life, I asked our Victim Services support worker to help us get connected with a Restorative Justice organization that would assist my family with our wishes. This organization was Community Justice Initiatives. At the time, we knew nothing about what it might mean for our family to engage in an RJ process. All we knew was that we wanted to meet the person who turned our lives upside down.
I can recall many face-to-face meetings with our Facilitators before we met with the offender. They made themselves available via email, text, and phone call. They encouraged us to meet with them on our schedule and at places we were comfortable with. They provided a listening ear as we relayed stories of the good memories we had of Johnny. My mother, father and I all felt comfortable sharing our doubts and fears with them. My older sister, Kerri was living in New Zealand at the time and was unable to be present for during the process. I can only imagine how difficult her grieving process must have been, and in many ways still is, with her on the other side of the world without our family together through this.
When it came time to meet ‘Jeff’ in December of 2018, we felt as prepared as we could ever be, which in all honesty just means that we jumped off the deep end and hoped we could swim or at least float. With the facilitators who had brought us together and arranged our entry to a federal prison, we sat in a circle in the center of the room and waited for Jeff to arrive. We asked him questions about what occurred that day leading up to the altercation and we received honest answers. Although what Jeff told our family was not what I wanted to hear, as it was very painful and frustrating, I was grateful that it was the truth. Not only did we get answers to some of the heavy questions that had been weighing on our minds for nearly two years, but we also received perspective. We learned a lot about Jeff: how he grew up, his struggles, his strengths, his hopes, and future goals after serving his time. There was something about sitting down in a circle, face-to-face with the person who had done our family so wrong, where it became difficult to harbor any feelings of hate toward them. We looked into his eyes, heard his voice, and listened to his story. I shared memories of my childhood with Johnny and showed him pictures of our family.
Forgiveness is a heavy topic. It is neither a requirement nor an expectation of any Restorative Justice processes. However, when my family and I looked into Jeff’s eyes and offered him our forgiveness one by one, it allowed us to see him as a fellow human being and not as the ‘monster’ our minds were trying to convince us he might be. This offering did not necessarily come naturally, given the weight of the loss. It has been a constant, daily choice, and me asking God to break down the walls in my heart as they are being built. We recognized that forgiving him was a choice we would individually decide to make. My mother and I knew that forgiving Jeff for what he had taken from us was our objective from day 1. My father would be the first to tell you that was not the case for him. My father’s road to forgiving the person who took his only son away was a long and difficult one. He struggled daily between clenching tightly to his learned view of ‘real justice’ and letting go of the hate and anger that was holding him down. Witnessing my father forgive Jeff for taking his child away from him was nothing short of miraculous. Sometimes I think back to that night in the hospital when we were holding hands and praying for a miracle, and I wonder if this was that miracle.
We all knew that carrying the guilt and shame of what Jeff had done would already be enough for anyone to bare. We wanted him to know that we would be okay. But it was not until we offered our forgiveness to him that we realized it was really for our own healing. In fact, my father says, “Forgiving him for what he had done to my son changed my whole outlook on life.” The weight and burden of anger and bitterness that sat on our shoulders was lifted once we chose to forgive.
“Even when the jury and the judge say you’ve got a right to hold a grudge, it’s the whisper in your ear saying, “Set it Free”, forgiveness.” Lyrics from the song Forgiveness by Matthew West
I write this with tears in my eyes as I tell you that I am so grateful that my dad went back to being my dad that day! Without the opportunity to meet with Jeff face-to-face, I honestly do not know where my family would be at in our healing journey today. We likely would not have had the peace within our hearts that we now carry with us.
Johnny’s story is very layered, so much so that I could probably write a novel about it. I feel as though I would be doing a disfavor to you if I did not share how our family has been on both sides of perspective. 5 years before my brother’s death he was the driver involved in a fatal car accident that resulted in the life lost of his best friend. My brother barely made it out alive himself. Johnny was devastated and carried the weight of guilt and shame with him wherever he went. It was heartbreaking to watch my little brother go through such pain from actions that he was responsible for, and not be able to take the sorrow away from him. I know that we have all done things that we wish to receive forgiveness for. Whether we consider them big or small, we seek forgiveness from the people we’ve affected, nonetheless. To both see pain in the eyes of someone who has done wrong, and to also feel the pain of someone who has been wronged is an eyeopener. It has allowed me to look at others through a lens of compassion and understanding instead of judgement and anger.
My brother’s death was not something anyone could have anticipated or prepared for. Although I would give anything to have him back with us, I understand that it is not in my hands. I had a choice. I still have a choice; to either let his death ruin me or to allow something beautiful to come from it. I have been on a ‘purpose-path’ journey ever since his passing, and I am happy to share with you today that I have since began serving my community as a Victim Services volunteer in helping others who have been affected by crime and trauma. I am also very honoured to be a Board Member for the Restorative Justice Association of BC, and to serve my community in working with my local Police Department. I carry my brother with me in my heart every day, everywhere I go. I believe that my experiences since his passing have enabled me to be more a more patient, understanding, and compassionate person toward others.
The legal process of Johnny’s passing has been long and exhausting. It began with the pre-trial and Jeff’s sentencing hearing in 2018, to a Coroner’s Inquest in 2019, and now a Mediation process with BC Corrections beginning this month of February 2022. This can easily take a lot of energy out of us, but our family has taken each process one step at a time, remembering that our healing journey is our top priority.
I often ask myself what Restorative Justice means to me, and I can’t think of a perfectly crafted sentence. Because I don’t believe there is one. It can hold different meaning to each person who will have the opportunity to experience it. The words that come to mind for my experience with RJ are empathy, healing, hope, redemption, reconciliation, and forgiveness.
I ask that you hold this story close to your heart. Someone once shared their story one night many years ago on the evening news that left a lasting impression on our family. If we never knew this process was possible, I don’t believe that we would have as much peace in our hearts about it all as we do today. I pray that my family’s story leaves an impact on your heart as much as Katy Hutchinson’s did on mine. Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you.
Sincerely,
Jillian Murphy
